{"id":8991,"date":"2019-02-26T17:19:10","date_gmt":"2019-02-26T23:19:10","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/msalishacarlson.com\/?p=8991"},"modified":"2020-09-23T20:23:31","modified_gmt":"2020-09-24T01:23:31","slug":"yell-less-love-more","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/msalishacarlson.com\/yell-less-love-more\/","title":{"rendered":"Yell Less, Love More"},"content":{"rendered":"

Big emotions are big emotions no matter your age. We often think about the big emotions we\u2019ve walked our children through\u2026 the toddler who throws himself on the floor in the middle of the store and screams out a tantrum, the daily whining andcomplaining, sibling squabbles, and the sassy challenging retorts of a child asserting her independence.<\/p>\n

As parents, we know that these behaviors are par for the course of growing up. As unpleasant as it may be to deal with a big emotion situation, we expect children to experience these things as they are learning about themselves and the big world they live in.<\/p>\n

As adults, however, the expectation is that we would have already achieved emotional regulation, the ability to control our emotions. And while it is a learnable skill, not all of us self-regulate easily or well. I\u2019m one of those people.<\/p>\n

\"Woman<\/a><\/p>\n

We all have hardwired emotions. The basic emotions of joy, anger, disgust, fear, sadness, surprise, and trust are the foundational emotions that more complex emotions build upon and blend together.<\/p>\n

What makes big emotions BIG is simply the overwhelming nature of the emotion.<\/p>\n

I once read that the only bad emotion was an unexpressed one. However, my emotional expressions have always looked something like this\u2026<\/p>\n

Happy — laugh, sing<\/p>\n

Sad \u2013 cry<\/p>\n

Angry \u2013 yell, slam doors, belittle the person I\u2019m angry with<\/p>\n

Overwhelmed \u2013 shut down<\/p>\n

And friends, that\u2019s where my struggle lies. Never having been taught to manage my own big emotions or look into the underlying cause, I have had a lifetime of self-esteem turmoil and emotional brokenness.<\/p>\n

After seeing our middle son exhibiting my less than desirable character flaws, especially of anger\u2026 I knew I needed to seek help.<\/p>\n

Emotions are critical indicators to our basic needs and are passages to self-understanding.<\/p>\n

Yes, I can now tell you that I was an angry mom. A very angry mom. I yelled\u2026 a lot.<\/p>\n

I yelled to stop my children\u2019s annoying behaviors.<\/p>\n

I yelled to break up fights.<\/p>\n

I yelled to make them stop crying.<\/p>\n

I yelled to make them eat.<\/p>\n

Rather than displaying empathy and love to reach the heart of my children, I just needed to stop the chaos. It needed to end\u2026 immediately.<\/p>\n

It wasn\u2019t that I didn\u2019t love my children. It was that I was broken and didn\u2019t realize it.<\/p>\n

I didn\u2019t know that I was the recipient of generational anxiety. My anger and meanness was just dismissed as just being our \u201cbad\u201d bloodline and the continuation of poor behavioral patterns from previous generations.<\/p>\n

Let me tell you that I wasn\u2019t a gem to live with anyways, but being a mom pushed me in ways that overwhelmed me with big emotions every day.<\/p>\n

My anxiety triggers were unknowingly detonated which resulted in heart-wrenching, guilt-filled, self-loathing, explosive anger.<\/p>\n

My boys used to pray \u201cGod, please don\u2019t let mommy get really mad today.\u201d<\/p>\n

It broke my heart. I didn\u2019t want to be mad. I didn\u2019t want to yell. I just didn\u2019t know to how to self-regulate. I didn\u2019t even know how to speak in a pleasant tone to my family. I just wanted to be left alone so I wouldn\u2019t cause my family any more pain.<\/p>\n

I loved my boys and my husband so much. So much. How could I love so much yet act so unloving, angry and mean?<\/p>\n

But when big emotion after big emotion came crashing down upon me, I was drowning in my own ocean of unhappiness.\u00a0 So I yelled more.<\/p>\n

Friends, when you don\u2019t love yourself, it\u2019s hard to love others the way they deserve to be loved.<\/p>\n

I wish that I could wrap up the story and tell you that \u201cthey lived happily ever after.\u201d But our journey isn\u2019t over.<\/p>\n

I still yell. I still get angry. But I know that I have a choice. Anger doesn\u2019t have to define me. Anxiety doesn\u2019t have to define me. Yelling doesn\u2019t have to define my parenting.<\/p>\n

In sharing my story with other moms, I\u2019ve found that I\u2019m not alone. We moms mask the emotional battle raging in our hearts with a smile and go about our day hoping that no one gets a peek of the ache and self-doubt surging up inside us. Well not anymore!<\/p>\n

It has done my heart so much good to find my tribe, to have other girlfriends who know my struggle, who pray for me and encourage me.<\/p>\n

I want to yell less and love more. In understanding the root of my anger and yelling, I have felt an incredible heaviness released from my heart. In understanding myself, my flaws and strengths, I have been renewed in spirit and have truly been able to look at my children and husband with a deeper, more appreciative love.<\/p>\n

And I want this for you too.<\/p>\n

Over the next 2.5 months, I invite you to take a take the YELL LESS, LOVE MORE challenge with me. Our goals are very clear\u2026 yell less, love ourselves more and love our family more.<\/p>\n

It won\u2019t be easy. In fact, you may feel like Paula Abdul\u2019s backup dancers taking one step forward and two steps back. But together we are going to explore how to self-regulate our own big emotions\u2026 and how to parent with love and grace as we teach our children (through behavior modeling) how to manage their big emotions as well.<\/p>\n

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What you\u2019ll need during the challenge:<\/strong><\/h3>\n