{"id":9420,"date":"2019-10-09T05:00:24","date_gmt":"2019-10-09T10:00:24","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/msalishacarlson.com\/?p=9420"},"modified":"2020-11-03T16:59:27","modified_gmt":"2020-11-03T22:59:27","slug":"motherhood-scares-me","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/msalishacarlson.com\/motherhood-scares-me\/","title":{"rendered":"Motherhood Scares Me"},"content":{"rendered":"
I\u2019ve been a mom for almost 11 years now and yet motherhood still scares me. My children don\u2019t scare me. Well, technically they do a little.<\/em> But what scares me is howI mother them.<\/p>\n Oprah Winfrey once said, \u201cI believe the choice to become a mother is the choice to become one of the greatest spiritual teachers there is.\u201d<\/p>\n\u201cI believe the choice to become a mother is the choice to become one of the greatest spiritual teachers there is.\u201d - Oprah Winfrey <\/a><\/span>Click To Tweet<\/a><\/span>\n <\/p>\n Honestly, that is probably what scares me the most. Besides being a meal preparer, a lunch packer, a laundry tackler, a bottom wiper, a bandage putter-onner, a boo-boo kisser, and human-Kleenex… I am a spiritual teacher.<\/p>\n Thinking of myself as a teacher in general just makes me laugh. So many times, I feel like the what-not-to-do example.<\/p>\n If only parenting were as easy as \u201cdo what I say, not what I do.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/a><\/p>\n I think about the behavior modeling I exhibit to my children. And I feel like a failure<\/a>.<\/p>\n How many times have they seen my knee jerk reactions and overreactions to situations?<\/p>\n Are they perceiving the moments when I lift my hands up and cry out, \u201cGod, help me?\u201d or do they just see me throwing my hands up in frustration?<\/p>\n Have I demonstrated to the boys that setbacks are temporary opportunities for us to contemplate the path we\u2019re traveling? They may trip us up, but they don\u2019t keep us down.<\/p>\n Or that bravery and courage aren\u2019t just terms for the battleground, but for the battlefield of life?<\/p>\n Do they understand that even the wealthiest people are poor if they aren\u2019t rich in love? And that money doesn\u2019t buy happiness?<\/p>\n Am I showing them that joy comes from knowing what God says about us, not how much success we have or possessions we own?<\/p>\n Friends, not many things scare me (well, besides snakes and breastfeeding my little ones when they grew teeth). But motherhood\u2026 it can be downright terrifying!<\/p>\n I am still a little resentful that a how-to manual didn\u2019t come with my boys. After giving birth, I was waiting for my \u201cwhat to do with this tiny person\u201d instruction set. But none of my boys came with one so I guess we just fumble through together.<\/em><\/p>\n I know that ultimately, we will all damage our children in some way. We are flawed human beings raising flawed human beings.<\/p>\n We weren\u2019t designed to be perfect. And therefore, our parenting won\u2019t look perfect either.<\/p>\n I don\u2019t know about you, but when I feel disrespected, unheard, and sassed by my child, my voice gets raised. And I yell<\/a>.<\/p>\n When I\u2019m frustrated, I give the nose-flared, angry-eye stare down. And yell.<\/p>\n If I\u2019m hurt or overly stressed, I go one of two ways\u2026 shut down mode or yelling.<\/p>\n And when I can\u2019t control the anxiety and emotions within, I become critical and try to control my surroundings\u2026 including my children.<\/p>\n This stuff scares me. I find it scary that my weaknesses may be their interpretation of normal and I\u2019m afraid to think this is how my boys will remember their mother. Even as much as I try to fix it, to yell less and love more<\/a>, I am a sad cry from being the mom I want to be.<\/p>\n