Potty training stinks… literally. As if the lovely two-year old tantrum throwing toddler stage isn’t enough, let’s now take away the child’s security of a diaper and make the little turd sit on the toilet. Oh the joy!
So this is for all you parents currently training tots to sit on the pot, and for those of you who have proudly passed this stage… enjoy a laugh and know you are not alone in thinking potty training stinks!
8 reasons potty training stinks!
1. Hiding to poop. It’s so much more fun than sitting on the toilet. It’s like a crappy (pun intended) game of Where’s Waldo. Oh wait… there the kid is. All red faced and grunting in the corner. Awesome… he’s shat himself again!
2. Lack of penis control. So I’ve heard this isn’t just a little boy issue. For some this is just the beginning of the little penis that couldn’t aim (sounds like a book title, eh?). However, there’s nothing quite like sitting on the floor across from your son, cheering him on as he tries to “make water in the toilet”, when suddenly a stream of hot asparagus-smelling pee hits you right in the chest! Moms of girls, you can tell me how it works having a child with a V.
3. Toileting games. You’ve sunk to rock bottom although the logs haven’t. Yes, sadly I tried making a game out of pooping in the toilet. “You know what I think is fun? Making poop splash the water in the toilet! Do you want to play the poop splash game?” Enough said. Total embarrassment.
4. Diaper Bags. I know, you’ve been carrying a diaper bag since the kid popped out. But now, in addition to pull ups and 3-pounds of snacks, your bag is now bursting with multiple changes of clothes and underwear, sometimes a change of shoes, and half the grocer’s plastic bag stash. Not to mention the urine soaked clothes in one of those plastic bags! It’s like carrying around a pee filled water balloon! Gross!!!
5. The diaper mystery. Or should I say the mystery of what is in the diaper. The kid has been pooping in the toilet for a few weeks now, but uh-oh, during naptime something fell out of his butt. So your child decides to put his/her hand into their diaper and see what it is. <insert hand in diaper> Squish, squash, pull out hand, realize it’s poop, and wipe it on the closest thing… like the bed or the pillow or the wall. And then since this stuff won’t come off, keep wiping it around until the adorable pudgy little finger comes out clean and Picasso has now painted his surroundings brown!
6. Naked days. Diaper-less kid, running around the house, junk hanging out… I really have a hard time with this. It’s like adding an animal to the house. By the time the child realizes they’ve peed, there is already a puddle and you’ve hollered in surprise so loudly that it scared the pee right back in. They are never going to sit on the potty, are they? Speaking of sitting, how about “junk” (even girl junk) sitting on the furniture! “Get your arse off the sofa!” That’s just not right. And naked days outside? My boys love the slide and their play set. All I can say is butt cheeks + slide burn = not pretty!
7. Accidents. You’re in the middle of Timbuktu or a nice restaurant and oops… potty training child had an accident that looks as though the Hoover Dam burst! Seriously, how much urine can a little bladder hold?!
8. Clean ups. There’s poop on the carpet because as little one was sprinting to the bathroom, one fell out! Or kid is having a movie night and soaks the sofa cushion. Remember the Adam Sandler movie “Big Daddy”? I love how he just covered all messes with newspaper and pretended nothing happened. Yah, that doesn’t work!
Sometimes, I just can’t wait for the payback of when my boys have to help their aging mother wipe her butt. Actually I can wait. But the thought of it makes me giggle.
And while the days, weeks, months, and years of potty training seem like hell on earth, they do make for good stories! Like remember the time your husband took your toddler to the grocery store and the kid had a massive blowout that shot out of his diaper, all over the items in the cart, and on the floor… and your husband didn’t take the diaper bag in the store with him and so he calls you in a complete panic? Oh wait, that’s what happened to my husband.
Regardless, even though potty training is a crappy process, try to look at the humor and get your stories perfected so that when your child brings home their first date, you can share all the ways your child has kept your life interesting!
Please feel free to DM me your potty training toilet humor. I’m always up for a laugh no matter how crappy it may be.